


The Road to Forgiveness

by Tyler_Blackwing



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Blood and Violence, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Eiselcross, Essek Thelyss Needs a Hug, Essek Thelyss-centric, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, M/M, Minor Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Minor Fjord/Jester Lavorre, Mollymauk Tealeaf Comes Back, Mostly Gen, Not Beta Read, Rated T To Be Safe, Shadowgast, Swearing, Up to Ep. 120
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:13:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28515498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tyler_Blackwing/pseuds/Tyler_Blackwing
Summary: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", they say. But he hardly remembered how long it was since he'd last seen the Mighty Nein. For a while he had tried to forget them, even; he was Shadowhand Thelyss, true to the Dynasty, invested in his research for the greater good.He didn't expect to hear from them while he was in Eiselcross. It should have been a distraction - now he was laughably close to them.Without the pending war and away from Dynasty and Empire... would they judge him more harshly now, or would they give him the chance he had been promised?(Mostly centered around Essek and Caleb trying to solve the Lucien/Mollymauk problem, as our wizard boys do. My take on what happens when the M9 get to Aeor.)
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 4
Kudos: 100





	1. Remorse

**Author's Note:**

> English is my second language - hope you enjoy it nonetheless!  
> Let me know what you think.  
> Also, somebody give Cad a hug, he's had a ROUGH time lately q_q

It was lonely in the freezing planes of Eiselcross.

Most days, Essek kept to himself, going through maps and reports of excavation sites and quietly going insane.  
Yes, he did have an assistant. There were other people around, too. But he was their superior and it was expected that he kept a stern face and dignified distance. He could not let his newly found conscience get in the way of his reputation within the dynasty, let alone interfere with covering up his deeds.

As in his icy isolation Jester’s voice popped into his head, he was relieved to say the least. If he was perfectly honest, he almost missed her words entirely through the sob that shook his body upon hearing from her. Who knew that chaotic group had grown on him enough to cause such a violent reaction?

Curiously enough, after weeks of no news at all, their paths would cross again in Eiselcross, the most improbable place of all. He had not come here to be out of their gaze in Rosohna, it was more like he didn’t know what to do with himself there. So in spite of his pride and the remainder of shame washing over him, he invited them to come visit.  
He hoped they would.

He did not hear from them for a few days. Their task seemed dangerous as usual, but even though he was worried, he did not dare to scry on them. It would only lead to more distrust… So he managed to keep his businesslike charade up while he dictated a message to his assistant. She was visibly confused when she recited Jester’s reply about missing him. Rolling his eyes in mock disdain, he waved his assistant away - and smiled to himself.  
It probably was just a whim, typical for Jester’s messages… but it felt oddly comforting.

Soon after, she contacted him again and was not remotely as cheerful or chaotic as usual. She sounded tired. Beaten. And so desperately afraid that it pulled at his heart to not be able to leave.  
“If I can help… I trust your guts.”, he finished his answer and, just in case, got his coat ready and gave an order to strengthen surveillance of the site.  
There were only a few further messages before they were close enough to stop by.

“ESSEK!!!”

He had barely turned from his spot at the window as he found himself in a crushing hug. Jester was strong for her small form, and the sensation, the closeness, were so foreign to him that his whole body seemed to lock up. His robes hid his shaking hands, but he wondered if the bubbly tiefling could sense his pounding heart.  
  
“It is good to see you all again.”  
  
He managed to sound almost normal, apart from a little breathlessness. His eyes scanned the Mighty Nein. They looked a bit weary and worse for wear, but at least none of them was missing. He breathed a sigh of relief and awkwardly lifted a hand to pat Jester’s back. She beamed a fanged smile at him and he almost blushed, then sheepishly searched for Caleb’s gaze - surely the wizard understood his anxiety.

But even though he anticipated sympathy he knew he did not deserve it; when their eyes met, it was in a cold distance.

No matter how graciously he’d been offered a second chance… he knew that he earned every bit of distrust in the wizard’s eyes. It pained him in a bittersweet way. There was some comfort to the misery one felt after such guilt was discovered by the few people one cared about. And their reserve… especially Caleb’s reserve towards him filled him with calm, the kind of self aware sadness that pushed any anxiety far to the back of his mind. He was aware that he didn’t deserve a chance, no matter how gently Caleb had coerced him into bettering himself instead of falling deeper into that criminal hole of his.

He lowered his gaze back to the floor and stepped out of Jester’s arms. The last remainder of his smile fell with his hand from her back while she fluttered away in her embroidered winter coat.

“You’ve come a long way”, he pushed himself to say. His throat hurt as if his words refused to leave.  
“Come. There is tea - tell me about the foes you are facing.”

It was a long conversation. The Mighty Nein seemed… haunted, for lack of a better word. Fjord held on to his sword, staring around the room. Yasha and Beau - somehow less threatening when they stood next to each other, how that happened, he didn’t know - stood at the door and shielded it from entry… or exit.

Jester told most of the story. And as per usual, it was hard to follow, but there was something solemn about her. The moving city and her visions had taken their toll on her. And as she spoke of the grouping of statues and her paying a few years of her life in exchange for knowledge, he barely stopped himself asking about its location. _Not the point_ , he reminded himself. He tried for a sympathetic smile.

“So that is what has changed… I thought something seemed different about you.”  
  
“Yeah, it’s the cheekbones. But I think it looks cool. More mature, you know.”  
  
“I cannot deny it looks rather fetching.”  
  
Jester mock-gasped. “Guyyys! Essek thinks I’m hot!”

“Um. Not quite what I was-”  
  
“Aw, isn’t that great.”

Essek’s head whipped around to Caduceus, who had been quietly listening and sipping tea as usual. It was a calming presence, and he was glad… because except for him and Jester, everyone stared at him with a reserved, polite scrutiny.

“I really didn’t say that.”  
  
“You know the kids just hear what they want to hear. Let them have their fun. It’s all been a lot.”  
  
Essek looked over to Jester, already having her fun chattering with Nott - no, Veth, right? - and Fjord, and even the half-orc seemed a little less on edge with her cheerful presence.  
  
“They aren’t easy to forget, hm?”  
  
A sad smile passed over his lips. “You are perceptive as usual, Caduceus.”  
  
“Mm.”

Then, from the other side of the table, for the first time in forever, he heard a quiet Zemnian accent pipe up. Even with all the chatter going on, the voice hit his ears so clearly as if he’d been conditioned to listen out for it.  
  
“To tell you the truth, Essek, I do not feel comfortable telling you everything. You know the bare minimum. We agreed upon it before we arrived. The other party… is dangerous. They know how to find us, no matter what we do. So we bought ourselves free… but our time is running out, and they are close to reaching their goal. We have no choice but put some trust in you. But know that we are watching you very closely.”

Essek nodded solemnly. He moved his hands for a few seconds, realizing that some of the others looked toward Caleb for a sign of threat. But the wizard seemed to realize what he was doing. With a brief shimmer in the air around him, the spell took hold.  
  
“A pledge of good faith, as Fjord’s See Invisibility spell is running out.” His eyes were still locked on Caleb’s. “Nobody will be able to spy on us with normal means, this room acts as a different plane for now. So now that we are safe… Again, I am sorry, for what it’s worth. And I am relieved to see you all in good health, at least. I wish to help, if I can.”  
  
“Then help. Do something to make a difference, not just for power and knowledge. Can you do that?”  
  
Essek felt his own demeanor grow a bit colder.  
  
“I would have come to your aid instantly if Eiselcross wasn’t such a dangerous place to do so”, he stated. “But yes, I will assist you. I just hope you have a plan that is better than those I saw you off to before."

Caleb just stared at him while the gentle chuckle of Caduceus rumbled through the room.  
"We are not very good at planning."

"Well, you are lucky I am a good schemer then."

He could swear that he saw a glimmer in Caleb's eyes.  
It felt like before, like their talks in Rosohna. Something sparked within him and his fingers itched to show him new tricks, to get that impressed look directed towards him again, a gracious, honest thank you with one of those smiles only a book loving smart kid could have when there was something new to learn.  
No matter how much he had worked to be above everyone… he _desperately_ wanted to impress Caleb.

"You said that De Rogna had taken that person's knowledge. Do you know more? Were they feebleminded?"  
  
"That would have been too easy. She said she _shattered Lucien's soul_."

Shattering a soul.  
Essek felt his eyes widen slightly; a soul was, even outside of dynasty standards, something sacred. The very essence of a being, able to retain memories and abilities over a long time, even after death. Shattering it could not leave someone with much, and it should not be possible to bind a shard back to a body.  
  
Essek rubbed his chin, folded his hands, pressed the fingertips together. Grounding himself, thinking. Was there a way to combine certain spells to call back a fragment of the soul? Or was it possible that such a small, incomplete part would grow into a soul of its own?  
  
He blinked. Then he looked over to Caduceus.

"Your deity watches over life. I wonder if your former companion's soul is out there, or was integrated back into the whole… puzzle."  
  
“Huh. I mean… to be fair, I never knew him. Lucien seemed to believe that piece of him was gone, but to me it doesn’t make sense. Nothing just disappears. I think he’s out there somewhere, that Molly person.”  
  
“I don’t think getting him back is our priority right now”, Caleb said, and his voice was quiet and strained.

Essek understood why when he scanned the room for reactions to this statement. There was pain in their eyes. Yasha, scary and hardened as she was, seemed to be almost crying. Jester was bawling already.

“I was really hoping he’d remember us at least a little bit, but…” Fjord put an arm around her and she hid her face at his chest.

Well, _that_ was new. Essek’s eyebrows lifted in mild surprise and he glanced at Caleb. He might not be the most perceptive person, but he had seen his looks toward the blue tiefling. But now, the wizard just stared at him. He couldn’t think badly of him for being careful. So he nodded.

“In that case, just to be safe, let me show you another trick or two. You might need something… _unexpected_ to deal with this individual. Finish your tea. We have work to do.”

An hour or so of worried silence and forced small talk passed by until Caleb had enough. He set up a spell - Essek did his best to seem unfazed at first, looking at the array of strange little tidbits Caleb used as a focus - there was a wand and a cat and some other things, and then there was a flicker, amber-colored of course, and when he stepped in and followed the instructions upwards, he was greeted with beautiful, glowing stained glass depicting the schools of magic all around him. It was impressive.

“For all the darkness you claim for yourself, Caleb, there still is light shining through the cracks.”  
His words were gentle for how distanced he usually tended to be, but he’d missed them, missed _him_ , and he -

“Work first, Shadowhand. Talk later.”

Essek straightened up immediately. Of course. He hadn’t earned himself that privilege yet.

“As you wish, Widogast. Lead the way.”


	2. Repentance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek would do anything to prove how much he wanted to be a part of this beautiful chaotic group.  
> He didn't mind to offer up his carefully curated spells for it, and if it came to impress a certain red haired wizard... he'd even build a custom spell from scratch.  
> It was just tough how distracting that wizard was to him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caleb doesn't get enough credit for how beautifully he designed the tower.  
> Finally he can show it to his study pal! I couldn't help but indulge myself in this one. Shadowgast is real!

The wizard’s room was utterly plain compared to the beautiful stained glass of the tower’s sitting room. No décor except for a few books on the coffee table... But he wasn’t surprised to be honest. He had expected Caleb to be extravagant for his friends and very understated for himself. He got it. If you didn’t like yourself, you kept up the bare minimum of what was expected. At least the wizard had someone to care for, or his talents would be wasted.

Right, study time.

Without a comment, he followed into the second room to sit beside Caleb. He motioned and pulled forth a stack of papers and some ink, pushing them towards his apprentice with a meaningful look. He could see the surprise on his face. Caleb was smart. He would know the value and the corresponding spell levels. He motioned again and stared at the book appearing in his hands.

“I will teach you a few things now. I am also thinking of a new spell that might help, but I will need to work on it for a little bit. If you are willing, maybe you can help once I start making progress. We have crafted a powerful spell before, you and I.”

He managed to keep up his cool facade, flipping through and showing Caleb a spell.

“This might buy you some time if you manage to succeed with it. It is similar to a feeblemind spell, but instead of leaving the target stupid and feral, they are catatonic. It is like stopping the time of the soul. It will last for two hours before they get a chance of resisting.”

He turned a few more pages.

“And this - you saw me use it in the prison. It can hold a person as long as you keep concentration, and if necessary it will let you manipulate gravity, crushing them from within. It is powerful, so if you need the body intact, you might consider twice before using it.”

A warm hand on his stopped him from thumbing the pages. He went completely still.

“Thank you.”  
  
He swallowed. Work first, he reminded himself.  
  
“Of course. I offered help. I hope to be of use.”   
  
“You are a strong ally, Essek. I just hope you _are_ an ally.”   
  
“I have no hope to prove a worth that does not exist, but I will fight with you.”  
  
His nails dug into his palm, Caleb’s hand on his a blessing too many for his undeserving self.  
  
“This fight has nothing to do with your mistakes… we wouldn’t ask this of you. He’s too powerful.”   
  
“I will not let you get hurt. None of you. Study up, Widogast.”

“Ja, okay.”  
  
Talk later, he reminded himself and pulled his hand free. 

They studied for hours. Caleb took the necessary time copying the spells, and he worked on one of his own.

Just as much as one could see all the fragments of one’s soul, every facet that had gotten lost or could have been, any possible future of one’s self within the Luxon, it should be possible to draw this power from the ether. It would have to be an energy consuming spell, maybe akin to a resurrection, to try to pull a possible soul back instead of the dissipating one. But searching for a soul in the limbo of past, present and possible futures… it would be time-consuming. A ritual spell, then. 

He scribbled onto note paper, equations and sigils and runes that might help, combining different schools of magic for the desired effect: Dunamis and Divination in hopes of finding the right shard, the right soul in an endless sea of possibilities. Necromancy to pull it back to life, reviving the body. Conjuration, because he had heard of a spell called Wish, which could supposedly do anything… it was far beyond his reach, but maybe he could weave in a few elements of the school to tip the scales in their favour. 

In this specific case, a fragment of a soul that has lived an own life before, personal components might help, too. It might be a little easier, because Caleb would know what he was looking for, and his friend would be there waiting, reaching out hoping to be found, and grasped, to be pulled back to the light, extricated from nothingness -

“ _Essek_.”

Startled, he came back from his thoughts, and turned his head to stare into worried blue eyes.  
 _So blue_.  
They had pierced through his icy shell early on, and he realized that he still couldn’t resist their pull.  
  
“Yes?”

“It’s late. We should eat something.”

“It is alright, I should work on this.”  
  
“You _are_ working on it. I know this part of you as if it were my own. Take your notes if you want, but we will have dinner now.”   
  
Essek stared at his ink-stained hands and his scattered notes and realized that, yes, he probably should have at least one meal today.   
  
“Hm. If we must.”

The smile on Caleb’s lips was small, but it was the most wonderful thing he’d seen since… he didn’t remember. He breathed a bit more freely than in weeks, months even, and as the wizard leaned back, Essek found his hand tangled in his companion’s sleeve, holding him a little closer than the redhead probably wanted to be.  
  
“Ah,” He let go. “Apologies. I am forgetting myself. Please. Lead the way.”

Caleb’s cheeks went rather pink for a second.  
  
“Alles gut - don’t worry about it. Let’s go.”

Essek wasn't surprised to find a purring Frumpkin on his shoulders as he got up. Had the familiar been there all the time? He absentmindedly scratched his tiny chin, following his host, their footsteps echoing across the stone floor.   
  


There was food, delicious, wonderful things beyond imagination not only for Eiselcross but also Rosohna, pies and pancakes and stew and more, and it almost felt like back in their sitting room before the wine and the hot tub. Oh, he would _love_ a bath now. 

It must be late; the others had finished their meals but they were still drinking, and although they didn’t make as much of an effort of including him, their usual banter warmed him from inside. It was beautiful. He did not dare smile with them and was thankful for the opportunity to collect himself as Caleb offered to show him to his room. 

  
His room.

Instead of the plain guest quarters he expected and deserved he was greeted with a beautiful stained-glass window in blues and purples and black, depicting not just Dunamis but the other schools of magic, too; there were books and swirls and silvery decorative elements, and he found his towers in the background and a design resembling the leyline apparatus from his roof, and a pattern akin to the sigil he had worked on for Veth’s transformation spell as well as the absurd parasol Jester had once painted for him. 

There were a few books on the coffee table, the same as in Caleb’s room. In the next room he discovered a beautiful study of minimalist, but exquisite design, with black wooden furniture and a dark starry sky spanning the ceiling. Caleb pushed open the door to a bedroom, where he found not only an incredibly soft and warm looking bed, but also a steaming hot tub, filled with a ridiculous amount of a foamy, bubbly substance. The room smelled like the Mighty Nein's house in Rosohna - cozy and warm, like wild flowers and tea and traces of magic.

“You can ring the bell next to the fireplace anytime, and the cats will take care of your request”, he heard the wizard explain, but he couldn’t acknowledge it. 

Not yet. This was too much.

“I hope it suits your taste. If you need anything else, I can add it tomorrow.”

“I do not deserve any more kindness from you.”

Essek hated the way his voice wavered. He was not used to being vulnerable, yet ages ago in his home he had made a conscious effort to open up. After being discovered, he had thought about distancing himself further, but he realized now that it was impossible; he _liked_ these people, and he wanted to be a part of their strange and chaotic little family so badly it hurt, especially when he was close to them.

He almost jumped as Caleb’s hand hesitantly squeezed his arm. Their eyes met in mutual understanding of their self-hatred, and he knew that none of the Nein could understand quite as well as this equally broken person in front of him.  
  
“I _want_ to deserve it. I want to make this right. Make it… better than before, yes? That was what you said. On the ship.”   
  
Caleb smiled at him. “Ja. Better than before. Although the person I stole that line from now turned out to be a very bad guy.”

“He is not the same person though.”

“No, he’s not. Absolutely not.”  
  
“Do you hate him?”

“I hate looking at my friend and seeing someone the bad kind of insane.”

“I will try to help you bring him back… or at least stop him.”

“In that order, preferably.” 

“Understood.”

  
It was a strange moment, them standing here. 

Caleb’s hand on his arm was warm and comforting, the popping foam bubbles from the tub and the crackling fireplace two rooms away were so much more like a home than Essek had allowed himself to enjoy in the place he had lived in for over a century. 

And this man - he did not know all about the wizard’s past, but for all of the pain and living in the woods like a beggar it was astonishing - this man had made a _home_ for a couple of random people whom he had no reasonable attachment to. He could hardly imagine how much love for others this person carried, managing to pour it into a spell like this. 

Did the others realize just how much they were loved? Did they even deserve the love of this man?

He moved his arm and saw a look dawning on his companion’s face that he had seen once before, on a very uncomfortable day when he had teleported the Mighty Nein through the jungle twice, and he had politely but very coolly declined Caleb’s apology.

It wasn’t an apology now, and he didn’t want to get away from him at all - instead of pulling away, he turned to face him, grasping the other's hand. He mustered the courage to look straight into Caleb’s eyes. It was something they both were uncomfortable with, the human more so than him, but he had realized that there were some situations where even he deemed it necessary.

“Thank you. I do not ask for your trust, but I am grateful for the opportunity to earn it.” 

The privacy, the absence of the more mocking members of the Mighty Nein was dangerous. He didn’t have as strong a desire to keep himself together in front of just Caleb, even if he was scared and ashamed of offering up his true feelings like this. 

“I cannot express the grief I feel about the issue. At first, I regretted that you all found out what I had done. To be honest, I am relieved now. When I realized that I began to like you all, I was in too deep already. I am glad that you know it, that I can speak openly with you, and that you still -”  
Like me? No. That was too presumptuous.  
“That I can still be of aid. That you allow me to be in your presence.”   
  
He was afraid that Caleb might grow cold again, that he’d tell him they just needed his help and that was it, that he could make himself useful in exchange for his secret, a favor for a favor. 

Instead, there was a gentle touch to the side of his face and he felt himself transported back to the storage room of the Mighty Nein’s ship, heart too heavy and eyes too wet, looking at the wizard’s tight-lipped smile. 

“It’s not about being useful. I cannot speak for the group, I can hardly speak for _myself_ , that’s how unsure I am about your true intentions”, yet Caleb deemed the situation important enough to keep up their eye contact.  
“I liked who you were becoming, Essek… you were trying so hard to belong. It’s just that trust is very easy to break, and very hard to fix. Give us… give me time. I would like it a lot if we could fix this. We are friends, after all.”

Essek’s sight swam, his heart brimming with a hope he did not deserve to feel. He looked at their linked hands, tears falling and soaking into his dark shirt, the fabric shifting slightly as he tightened his grip on Caleb’s hand.

“ _Friends_ ”, he whispered. “I like the sound of that.” 

In the beginning, he had laughed at their ways to call strangers like him a friend. They were trusting, just like that, because they needed assistance… but he wasn’t what everyone, including the Dynasty and his Den, thought, and they would pay for their idiocy. 

Now, he stood here and cried because both of them knew that he didn’t deserve their trust or their friendship and accepting them _hurt_ , but he was also incredibly happy.

Caleb’s hand slipped to his neck, pulling him in. He blinked. Their foreheads touched.  
It was warm and ever so gentle, and he couldn’t suppress a sob as he pressed his free hand to his mouth and his tears ran freely. He couldn’t remember if he’d ever cried like this in front of anyone since his early childhood, but despite his embarrassment he felt… safe.

  
“I saw how much effort you’re putting into that spell”, Caleb said after a while, squeezing the hand holding his.   
“I see that you’re trying. Thank you.”   
  
“No… no, Caleb. Thank _you_.”

He wiped his face. Those intense blue eyes were far too close to stay cool about it, but he managed a knowing smile. 

“I appreciate the effort you put into impressing me with this room. Truly a sight to behold. I cannot wait to enjoy the hot tub.”

"Oh."  
  
Caleb let go of him, moved backwards and downright _blushed_ , and what a sight _that_ was.  
It was almost too easy. And so, so tempting...

Essek chuckled and, keeping the connection of their hands, pulled the wizard closer.  
  
“I am sorry. I did not mean to embarrass you.” 

Yet he couldn’t help it. After all, the two of them were so similar, he _knew_ how badly a wizard of this calibre wanted to show off. He wanted to do the same. No... he _would_ do the same.  
He lifted the hand he kept hostage, touching the callused skin of Caleb’s knuckles to his lips, their eyes locked on to each other’s.  
  
“But rest assured, Caleb Widogast - my power is yours, and I will not let harm come to you and our friends, if I can help it.”

The wizard’s face burned up a bright red, wide eyes even brighter than usual, his hand hot enough to mimic a spell.  
  
And just when he began to worry that Caleb might pass out on him, he stammered:   
“Ah… okay; danke, Essek --- I, ah, am very uncomfortable right now. We need to rest. Gute Nacht!”

And off he went. Essek smiled to himself. 

Maybe there was some hope for his soul.

He would work on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore Essek, especially when he gains a little confidence!  
> Up next: The battle for Molly's soul... Tomb Takers versus Mighty Nein!  
> I get nervous thinking about writing an action scene... xD


	3. Redemption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fight in the snow-covered ruins of Aeor. A ritual spell that has never been tested. Will Essek's efforts pave his way to forgiveness?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow this one turned out so long...  
> Was thinking of breaking it up into two chapters, but who cares. I just felt like keeping it as is.  
> (It's 2:30 on a Thursday morning as I start to edit it for this upload because I'm nervous I'll hate it as soon as the new episode of CR airs, ahaha)  
> Hope you like it! Let the showdown begin...!

Not that it would help him in any way, but if Essek was going to fight to his death he’d at least go down looking as impeccable as usual: fashionable clothes perfectly in order, his hair coiffed so it came to a tiny curl just above his brow, a touch of colour making his eyes pop _just so_. He mourned the silver jewelry that was placed neatly in a dish on the table - wearing metals in the freezing cold would do more harm than good, and he didn’t want frostbitten body parts if he survived.

Yes, _if_. He hoped he would, of course. But contrary to his former convictions he would not leave the Mighty Nein to perish should their old friend overpower them. Although he reassured himself with the fact that these people were capable individuals, no matter how chaotic.

  
“They are close”, his assistant said, and Essek nodded. “Thank you for expending this spell for today. That will be all. You know what to do if we don’t return?”

She bowed subtly. 

“Yes, Shadowhand.”

Essek glanced at her for a long moment. Then he waved her away.

  
  


It was a short and tense trek. Freezing in spite of warm clothes. Snow that clung to every surface it reached. His eyes hurt in the bright, snowy landscape, and his sense of aesthetics and the guilt that still gnawed at his insides were slightly offended by the pure white of his fur-collared coat.

But they had more important things to worry about.

  
  


Careless footsteps across snowy ground. The gentle crunch of a breaking icy surface here and there, rubble and ruins shifting beneath while the Mighty Nein waited within the fallen city of Aeor.  
They were outside still, determined to not let their quarry get too close to their goal in the first place. 

Essek glanced over to where he remembered last seeing Veth. She was _good_.

  
Which of them was the dangerous one, he wondered while he conjured an echo of himself to prepare an attack from two angles.

A biting wind carried over a lilting voice.

“Tsk tsk tsk. Did you really think I wouldn’t notice your trap? An idiot could have guessed.”

He saw the leader peering at Caleb. There went their moment of surprise. The enemy group was so… relaxed. 

“I thought you would be curious - waiting to see what we could accomplish. It’s not very polite to attack people just like that, aye? Have we done anything to you?”

“Well, not _yet_ ”, Fjord chimed in after a tense moment of silence, his voice oozing threatening charm. “As far as we know, what you’re trying to unleash is much more dangerous than you make believe.”

Jester’s voice emerged from her duplicate. 

“You have to stop! That thing will destroy everything! We don’t want to hurt you, Lucien!”

“But we fucking _will_ ”, Beauregard cut in. 

Essek’s lips quirked into a tense smile, but his heart was pounding in anticipation.Lucien still stared at Caleb. Smiled. “Aw, you’re no fun.”

All of the Tomb Takers spoke up in unison.

“Come on then. _Hurt me_.”

It all happened in a flash. A wall of fire, some very creative swearing, crossbow bolts whizzing through the air. Essek appeared from his hiding place and saw Yasha wielding her sword to attack a half-orc, and Beau throwing punches at a much smaller member of the group.  
  
Essek drew some runes into the air and weaved a spell.

He had hoped to keep a distance.  
He entirely ruined this plan by rushing up to Veth and feeding her a potion after a bad blow. Turning around, he had just enough time to brace himself. A black furred hand touched his forehead and his conscience drowned in white-hot pain. 

When he came back to his senses, there was shouting and bustling around him. Yasha was in a deadlock with Fjord, Jester yelling at her. He tried a counterspell, and the tall woman came back to her senses.  
He saw Caleb stare at him in obvious worry before flinging more fire, his face alight with its glow, his coat whipping behind him. 

_No distractions now_ , he reminded himself and tried to focus.

The other party was strong. One had fallen, though. To be fair, Caduceus had probably saved most of them from death once, but at least all members of the Nein were up… He was a little confused to see a giant blue mammoth trampling one of the Tomb Takers, but then one of the figures glowed red and it turned back into a beat-up looking Jester.

He flung a spell over to get her out of danger, sucking in painful, ragged breaths.

He was so tired. Was this really what these people did for a living? How insane. And no matter how much distance he tried to bring between himself and their opponents - they were quick, they had no blind spots, and he knew he’d reached his body’s limits.

A whisper of a presence behind him.  
His side felt...strange. A scimitar, freezing cold metal, had cut through. He turned, pushed it off. There was a dagger in his hand that Veth had given him, and he tried to defend himself without using too many more spells. Warmth seeped from his wound, then froze up against his skin. He stared into glowing red eyes while he swung the weapon, then his world went dark. _Fuck_. He fell to his knees, doubling over from a punch to the gut. He furiously rubbed his eyes until his sight returned. The snow beneath him was splattered with red. His own? Who knew. Probably. Everything hurt. He wasn’t used to pain, not like this. Burning cold, freezing cuts, his throat sore as if he’d screamed himself raw.

Essek coughed, wincing as a tattooed hand grabbed his collar and lifted him back to his feet.

The purple tiefling looked him up and down, then turned, glowing red eyes narrowed in disdain as he saw another of his comrades crumple upon Jester’s touch. His gaze came to rest on Caleb.

“Are we done playing?”

Essek, eyes wide, followed his line of view. _Don’t do anything stupid, Widogast_ , he pleaded, and his hand twitched. The wizard reached out. 

“Sorry. We can’t let you go on, no matter how curious I am. This thing is pure evil. Leave it, Lucien. Please.”

The tiefling laughed. 

“Oh, your teensy little minds can’t handle the truth now, can they? Are you scared?” 

In an instant, his expression turned dark. 

“Well, you should be now. You made this a lot more difficult than it was planned.”

Caleb shrugged and released a spell.  
Lucien raised a finger. Something glowed beneath his leather armour.

“What ‘cha think you’re doin’ there, eh?” 

But Essek had expected him to dispel an obvious threat - it was unfortunate that Caleb lost the spell but he reacted instantly, reaching out, whispering a few words - and crushing the black tabaxi’s body without hesitation.

“Wha- _NO_!” 

The agony in Lucien’s scream sent shivers down his spine. Well, that was probably his death sentence.

She’d been injured before, Nott had done a good job at that.

Essek stared at the tiefling and _smirked_. 

“I am far less polite than these people.” 

He wondered how he kept his voice so calm. Maybe it was desperation.

“You’ll pay for this, crick!”

Jester gasped. “Lucien!”, she scolded. “That’s a slur!!”

“Do I look like I fuckin’ _care_!”

Anger poured from every inch of his body, Essek could feel the tiefling shake as he yelled. Then there was a laugh, and it scared him more than anything. A crazy, delusional laugh, so cold it could cut you, and his eyes more cruel than the Bright Queen”s fury.

“Well then. Fine! An eye for an eye, aye?”

  
Essek readied himself - and suddenly a strong arm pulled him backwards, he dropped against a leather armour and gasped as he vanished from Lucien’s grasp, reappearing next to Caleb, looking over his shoulder at - Fjord.

“What -”, his head whipped back to look for Lucien. The tiefling shook off the effects of the spell, squaring his shoulders.

Essek caught his breath. “Thank you, Fjord.”

“Let’s finish this.”

Caleb was trembling. “Keep him alive.”

Veth tried a spell, but cursed loudly when it didn’t take hold.  
Beau ran up to Lucien and tried hitting him. She got in a few punches, but he barely took notice. He growled at her and Beau bled from her eyes, taking a defensive stance. With determined steps he walked forward, staring at Essek.

  
“You killed my friends. No, the others were replaceable. Not to worry. But Cree? Oh, I will make you _suffer_. Come here, new one. _Come play_.”

It took all of his willpower to stand his ground as Lucien moved towards him. He was still a ways off. Essek refused to avert his eyes. He felt the warm tingling of a healing spell emanating from Caduceus, who was trying to stay back. 

“I would love to. Unfortunately we need your body intact.”

He hoped that Caleb understood. _Don’t waste a spell on me. You’ve got an agenda._

Recognition seemed to dawn on Lucien’s face. He looked at the red-haired wizard again.

“Oh. _Oh_ , that’s what’s going on, is it? You’re not trying to stop me, you’re trying to bring that sad excuse of a person back! Well, good luck with that!”

Then Lucien was in front of Essek, grabbing his face with a sharp pat to his cheeks, bright eyes burning into his.

“You think you’re merciless, killing her like that?”

He leaned in so close that Essek could feel the heat of his breath.

“Oh, I’m going to _blow your mind_.”

It was awful. The spell seemed to grasp onto his brain like a scorching metal claw, squeezing, crushing, pain shooting through his head and mind. He grit his teeth and tried to concentrate, meditate, resist, _anything_ , but just as he thought he might have a grip on it, it got worse, and worse, and his body locked up and his sight swam, red, so much red, so much _pain_ \---

He didn’t know what he saw, what Lucien did to him. Didn’t even care who did it, because it just hurt so much. 

Was that his own voice? It must be. His throat had felt hoarse before, now his voice was breaking with anguish. His face was wet, then freezing, crusted, his ears popping, pouring blood, trickling down his neck and crystallizing.  
He thought he heard others scream his name.  
The only thing he was pretty sure of feeling was falling into the snow, pillowy soft and cold and gentle; it was dark and he sobbed, and choked, and his world finally went black.

  
  


“...need him…”

“...trying!”

“... up, Jester”

“I didn’t… -uceous…”

“Ducey, please, can you do something?”

“Already on it.”

“Caleb, is he-”

“No, Veth, no, he’s breathing, he’ll be okay… right?”

A cold, damp cloth grazed his face. Essek took a shaky breath. 

“This is not very restful.”

A high-pitched squeak, probably Jester, and a terrified shriek from Veth followed.

“He’s a zombie! Kill him! KILL HIM NOW!”, she cried and he heard her notch a crossbow bolt.

He lifted a hand to use a cantrip, but as soon as he moved, pain shot through his body. 

“Ow”, he gasped and rolled to his side, curling up into himself. He coughed. More blood.  
  
“There now”, Caduceus rubbed small circles onto his back and healed him a little. “Sorry, I’m pretty tapped…”

“No worries- I just need a moment…” 

Controlled breathing left him with the willpower to open his eyes, at least. He barely heard the others over the blood rushing in his ears. But pain meant that he was alive. Warm hands steadied him and he felt himself being supported on a slim human body.  
Caleb.

“Drink.” 

Cool glass touched his lips. They were chapped so he struggled, but he forced the herbal liquid down, realizing just now how parched he was. It helped, the pain subsided a fair bit, and when he blinked his vision was almost back to normal.

“Thank-” _You_.

He couldn’t finish. Not when a red-haired wizard with an intense gaze gently thumbed the remainder of the potion from his lips.

“...”

He saw so many things in Caleb’s eyes. So many words he could not speak because the Nein were here… and just as he tried to say something, a whistle echoed through the room, Beauregard and Jester cheering.  
Essek’s face grew hot. Then Caleb had the audacity to _smirk_. Dumbfounded, he stared at that face and weakly slapped his hand away.

“Foul play, Widogast. Where are we, anyway.”

“Sorry.”

He could swear that Caleb squeezed him gently for a second before he helped him sit up.

“We brought you back to the outpost - there’ll be no tower today but we had your assistant prepare a room for the ritual.”

“The ritual… yes.” He stared at Caleb. “Wait, what happened? How…?”

“The spell you taught me. It succeeded just after he’d… after you…”

“I understand.” He tasted death on his lips, he must have been out. A remainder of diamond dust falling from his blood crusted fur collar. Wincing, he shrugged the coat off.  
“Well then, we have work to do.”

  
He found that Caleb had already prepared the materials for the spell. Lucien was apathetic, laid upon a blanket on the floor, cuffed and with a strange iron band around his throat. There was magical chalk to draw the circle with, a piece of malachite from his personal collection that would help the transformative aspect of the spell. A diamond to draw the soul back to this world, and a ritual knife to sever the connection of Lucien’s soul to his body. 

Fjord pulled a worn-out, colourful coat from his bag and put it down next to Lucien, on top of some of the sigils Caleb had just started drawing. Essek joined in, sluggishly finishing the other side of the circle.  
  
The Mighty Nein chattered in hushed voices while the two of them murmured enchantments. Chalk scratched and tapped across the stone floor, echoing in the room. It was tiring. He was exhausted and still extremely hurt, and Caleb looked about as bad as he felt.  
  


“Will all of you who wish to please join us around the circle?”

Insecure footsteps approached, the Mighty Nein taking seats around Lucien.

“We need you to remember the soul you are searching for. Remember who he was to you, and to himself. This is a new spell”, he murmured and lifted his gaze to Caleb. “We cannot guarantee it will work.”

He needed the wizard to understand this. Caleb nodded.

“No fun in not trying. Versuch macht klug, as they say.”

Essek smiled.

“Let us begin, then.”

They sat down on either side of Lucien. Each put a hand on the tiefling’s chest, Essek trapping the malachite, Caleb the diamond. With their free hands, they grabbed the ceremonial dagger, their fingers touching, keeping each other steady.  
Nodding, they closed their eyes.

The spell took hold.

There was a swooping feeling. 

The darkness had not changed, not really... But they were no longer within their bodies. 

He could see Caleb standing up before him, himself following. They were still connected, holding onto the other’s hand for dear life.

“Do not leave my side”, Essek warned, and Caleb squeezed his fingers in reply.

Now that his eyes were used to their ethereal surroundings, he realized that tiny specks of light were strewn across the darkness, stars in an endless sky, quiet and lonely but beautiful and calm. Caleb’s breath was shaky. 

“Is this the astral sea?”

“The what?” A chuckle. A familiar voice but warm, amused.   
“Hello. Don’t get visitors too often here. What wonders are you looking for, pray tell?”

“Mollymauk Tealeaf.” 

There was a pause. Caleb turned and Essek followed, and they stared into a full moon, huge and bright and beautiful, with the silhouette of a tiefling glowing purple in its light. Essek saw the wizard’s eyes glaze over and he fixed his gaze back on the figure, careful, just in case.

“Mollymauk…-”

“That’s my name, ‘s long as I care to remember.”

“...”

“... aww, don’t tell me you’ve become this soft, Caleb… are you crying, really? Did you miss me that much?”

“We all did. The Mighty Nein. We missed you, so much, for so long. Still do.”

Molly stepped closer, suddenly illuminated. His red eyes didn’t seem so evil now, a bit impish perhaps, but the fear Essek had expected to set in was kept at bay. He looked exactly the same as Lucien, but so much gentler and… happier.

“The Mighty Nein…” He leaned his head from side to side. “I’ve watched you sometimes. I guess I missed you, too.” 

He was looking at each of them before getting right up into Caleb’s face, a curious glimmer in his eyes. A tattooed hand gently patted the wizard’s cheek.

“What now? Did you just stop by for a chat? And what’s _really_ important - why do you have a new handsome purple friend! I’m almost offended. Except if you don’t mind sharin’.”

Essek blushed a little upon the wink Mollymauk shot him. He vaguely remembered Jester making indecent comics and the dark-skinned, haloed angel girl in the icy plains near Uthodurn getting terribly shy upon meeting him, but this? He felt way too close to just ignore it. This gaudy but stunning person stood out more than he’d ever dreamed of doing. And he’d _floated in public_ for most of his life! 

“Essek Thelyss, pleasure to meet you.”

“Pleasure’s all mine, handsome. So?”

Caleb offered his free hand. 

“Come with us, Mollymauk. Bitte - I’ll introduce you properly.”

“Ah, how could I refuse… I’ve been bored anyway."

The touch of their hands invoked the second part of the spell. A bright light emitted from between them, swallowing up everything and burning in their eyes. Essek flinched but held on, and he heard the tiefling laugh brightly as they swirled through the ether.

With the feeling of a sudden drop he came back to his senses, gasping and squeezing Caleb’s hand in his. The wizard next to him was breathing heavily. Just a glance over to see his face - exhausted, anxious - then his eyes fixed themselves back on the body before them. A tattooed purple tiefling, long dark hair, beat-up winter wardrobe. Chest rising and falling with breaths as if he was merely resting.  
  
The malachite beneath his hand shattered to dust, swirling, glimmering, and a dark aura mixed with the tiny particles. 

“No. No, you can’t get rid of me. Not again. I was so close --- _so close_!”

They grabbed the dagger more tightly. He looked at Caleb, nodded. They spoke an incantation and cut through the cloud of gemstone dust. Sparks emitted that shouldn’t be there, it felt like cutting through something almost solid, like a strong wind resistance. Then the whole room was shaken by a shockwave, emanating from Lucien’s body. The diamond shattered, glowing with the tint of moonlight, enveloping the body, brighter and brighter.

Blinking, Essek thought he saw a young woman with blue skin and bright hair lift the tiefling’s head onto her lap.  
  
“The Moonweaver”, he heard Jester whisper behind him and his eyes widened.  
_Sehanine_. He had read about her. And there she was, in some form, directly in front of them - glancing at them, smiling. He was anything but religious, but this was… remarkable. 

The deity leant forward, pressing a kiss to the tiefling’s forehead.

“Go, my love. Be happy.”

A voice like the wind on a moonlit night seeped through his thoughts, dissipating like fog and leaving a longing melancholy in its wake.

The wind died down, the gem dust settled.

He felt Caleb squeeze both of his hands and forced himself to look over to him. He had never seen such a wonderful, bright smile on the wizard’s face.

“Thank you, Essek. Thank you. For everything. I cannot repay you…-”

Caleb was harshly interrupted when a purple tiefling shot up and separated them with a less-than-gentle headbutt.

Instantly, Beauregard and Yasha grabbed the body, Veth knocked her crossbow and Fjord pushed the Star Razor to his throat. He couldn’t have gotten far anyway with the silencing choker and the anti-magic manacles, but better safe than sorry, Essek guessed, plopping onto his backside.

“No!! Guys!!!” Jester’s arms flailed wildly, pushing everyone away. 

“Caleb! Take off the collar! Molly, Molly, is that you? Please tell me it’s you!”

The purple tiefling sneered, silent as he was forced to be, then instantly stared at Yasha. And after a moment, she wrapped her arms around him and held him so tightly that Essek began to worry she might suffocate him on the spot.

Yasha sobbed. “Hello Molly. Welcome back.”

Caleb waved his hands and the collar fell away.

“Ahh, finally! This is worse than torture, what the fuck is that!”

  
And suddenly, everyone was crying. And laughing, but mostly crying - Beau hitting the tiefling repeatedly, Jester and Yasha cuddling up to him, Fjord and Veth and Caleb right next to the group to be close and to take him in, the original Mighty Nein back together again.

Essek looked over to Caduceus, who had watched the scene and seemed to give them some privacy now, until he could introduce himself.  
He however had already done so. This was not his place any more, his promise was kept. The firbolg gave a nod, and Essek quietly pushed himself to stand, then used his second-to-last low-level spell to float out of the room. He didn’t go far, just beyond the door - for one, to be there in case something had gone wrong, but honestly he wasn’t sure how long he could stay upright.  
He leant against the wall, slowly sinking down to the ground.  
  


They did it. It had worked - the spell he’d created, perfected with Caleb’s help. They had actually pulled a shard of a soul back into this world, and exchanged it with the one inhabiting the body. Incredible.  
His face felt funny. When he looked at his reflection in a window, he saw that it wasn’t just because of his wounds, but there was a smile on his lips in a way he hardly ever smiled and he couldn’t shake it. Laughing to himself quietly, he rubbed his eyes and pushed his hair back.

  
“You’re brilliant.”

Essek turned and saw Caleb looking at him.

“It was mostly your spell, Essek. You made it up, just for us. And it worked.”

“You helped, a lot”, he replied. Quietly. Shy, all of a sudden. What a peculiar feeling. 

“I am glad that you have your friend back. And that we saved the world, yes? If one can believe Jester’s tales.”  
He knew that he was rambling, but no matter how accomplished a wizard he was, the one in front of him kept making him nervous. 

Caleb knelt down in front of him, on eye level now, and his fingers tipped his chin up to force him to look.

“You _are_ brilliant. And what you did…- how can we ever repay the debt we owe you…”

“You owe me nothing”, he steadied his gaze. “There is no such thing as debt in friendship and love.”  
How strange these words felt on his lips.

Silence hung thick between them as Caleb’s eyes searched his. 

Then Essek pulled Caleb in for a kiss. It took him but a second until he realized that this really wasn’t polite, he should have asked, at least, but the wizard was losing himself in thoughts, looking at him so intensely, and…

“Ah - forgive me. That was out of line.”

“N-nein - no”, Caleb stammered. He was staring, obviously gathering his thoughts.

Essek grimaced and let go. But then his face was in Caleb’s hands again, gently cradled and angled just perfectly as the wizard leaned in and kissed him and smiled. Smiled so brightly and beautifully that his heart gave a strange little thump and his breath caught in his throat. 

  
How foolish he was. Kissing a son of the empire - this was all but treason, in broad daylight.

Yet he couldn’t bring himself to care.

He felt as if moonlight and fog chuckled into his ear.

“Curious”, he whispered, and Caleb touched their foreheads together.

“You know. There’s no way out now”, he chuckled. “Welcome to the Mighty Nein.”

And Essek couldn’t help but groan.

“You people are lunatics.”

But if that was what redemption felt like… he definitely wasn’t complaining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Versuch macht klug" = We won't know unless we try  
> Aaaah I miss Essek! And Shadowgast! This was fun. Way too easy to be a possibility, but I'd like to think that Essek will fight by their side...  
> Editing took me another hour, it's way too late. Ooops!
> 
> This fanfic is now completed. Feedback is always appreciated!  
> Thanks for reading, anyway.


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